Greetings from Thirty Seconds Ago

In 2016, I competed with the RGU captain Donald Anderson in the British Universities bridge tournament. We won our first round match handsomely and got a plum draw against Oxford in the second. Due to travel-related snafus, the match was played in London, and we stayed at another teammate's grandmother's townhouse in Chelsea.

Obliterated by a superior Oxford team, we nonetheless had a great time living it up in the capital. I somehow got a ticket (which originally belonged to Dara O'Briain - in what is my most name-droppy of anecdotes) to see the Arsenal. They lost too, but we had an incredible fish and chips and spent hours laughing about some terrible plays that we had made.

Later that night, one of our number decided that he was going to write a lab report that was due on the Monday, and the rest of us decided that it would be a good idea to stay up all night with him. He sat in the corner hard at work while we goofed around, trying not to wake up our elderly host whilst making a cafetiere of the strongest coffee imaginable at three in the morning.

As you do when staying up all night for no discernible reason, we found ourselves livestreaming in the living room to an audience of precisely no one. This might sound like a bit of a non-starter in terms of being an enjoyable activity for the half-cut and sleep deprived, but that's before you realise that the little box showing us what we were streaming was thirty seconds behind real life.

I was sitting at the desk, with Donald next to me and our friend standing behind us. We weren’t moving a lot initially, just talking, so we didn’t notice how out of sync the picture was with reality, just that our lips were maybe a few seconds out of time.

Then I noticed Donald start to sway, subtly, but obviously, from side to side. I turned round to ask him what he was doing, but he was stock still. We watched the screen and saw him continue to sway for another five seconds or so. It was quite mesmerising it its oddity, and naturally prompted a fit of the giggles.

This gradually subsided, the first wave. We gained our composure and wondered if we’d gained any viewers thanks to the sway and ensuing ruckus (we had not) and we saw Donald stop swaying. Then the feed caught up to the moment I pulled an absurd expression at what must have been “sway one”, and we watched as I turned round and then started laughing again at the initial bout of laughter.

On and on this went. Every time we thought we were getting close to calming down something that happened half a minute ago would set us off again. At one point the beleagured scholar wandered over and put his head in what we knew was the frame, but that the frame itself didn’t yet know was the frame. We spent the following half minute doing a bizarre Mexican wave anticipation groan thing and then erupted into whooping cheers when he finally made his fleeting appearance.

What was the point of all this? Well, Donald Anderson has got thirteen starter questions right this series, and he was involved in one of the silliest moments of my life. Which I think is absolutely brilliant.

Anyway, no time for any more thirty second delays, let's get on with this.

Cullen buzzes in with dagger, thinking that the Shakespeare quote being referenced was 'is this a...', but it's the one about slings and arrows, and Brown, with outrageous fortune, nips in to steal the points. They take a hat-trick of bonuses on the given names of Hunger Games characters, as did I.

My streak is ended on the second starter, but Brown's is not, and she gets her fifth consecutive question with another ten pointer. They manage the first bonus on super-computers, but they are stumped by IBMs Quantum System One on the second.

Guessing a type of energy, Cullen makes up for her earlier mistake and gets RGU back above zero. She tries again on the first picture starter, about French words, with vous, but the answer is A, and Brown takes her third. She smashes the bonuses out of le parc too, and another neg from Cullen keeps the Holloway juggernaut trundling on.

RGU need to snap out of it soon if they are to stand a chance. Anderson and his teammates are acting like they're thirty seconds behind Holloway. Brown continues her imperious form with hiccup, and the Londoners cross the hundred point mark.

Catching up with reality, Cullen grabs another starter, but they struggle on the bonuses, remaining eighty points back going into the music round. Anderson guesses Vivaldi, but this is wrong, though Holloway are unable to steal the points. It doesn't matter though, because Harvey wins them anyway with Newfoundland next time out. I'll be honest, I was not expecting the match to be so lopsided in this direction, but fair play to them, their buzzing has been immense so far.

To win, RGU will need pretty much all of the points which are still on offer. Cullen gets the next two starters. They know that Pulp and Jessica Ennis-Hill are from Sheffield, but don't know that Sheffield is in South Yorkshire. To be fair to them, its silly that there are so many Yorkshires.

Knowing that they need all of the points, Cullen buzzes again, but she's wrong, losing five points, and you'd think thats probably it for RGUs hopes. Brown gets the second picture starter, and is very amused to see The Day of the Jackal come up in the bonuses.

Anderson gets a starter with Gilles Deleuze, and Cullen gives a very droll guess of Stormzy, Stormzy, Stormzy, Stormzy, for the four word name of a Stormzy album. Even if luck had been on their side this episode, they'd have missed the mark on this one. Another for Brown puts the cherry on top for Holloway, who have turned in by far their best performance of the series so far.

Royal Holloway 170 - 85 RGU

Not the result I necessarily expected, but what a performance from Holloway, Brown in particular. Some suspect bonuswork from both teams, but the buzzing on show was brilliant.

Hopefully next time RGU do have access to the questions from half a minute earlier.